Forever

I never knew what FOREVER meant until I saw that smile, then forever seemed to be really never ending, yet it started so suddenly. 

Didn't pay much attention to it, though ... but then, as if by stroke of fate, we started to become really close as friends. That sudden closeness made me wonder why something inside me changed ... and his smile ... there was something about that smile! And as we got to spend more and more time together, he grew in my thoughts like a child .... and that smile just devastated me each time it was thrown my way! 

And he wasn't even aware that I was slowly falling in love with him! I found myself asking why I had to feel that way for him.

Rather typical? Boy meets girl ... they become close .... they fall in love! Lovely, isn't it? 

But, the thing is, HE STARTED HIS FOREVER WITHOUT ME! He knew what forever was even before he met me ... he can definitely make do without me!And how it hurts ... it hurts to know that his forever is not going to be spent with me. 

Maybe I was just a hopeless romantic who believed so much in fairy tale love stories - that every Princess has her own Prince Charming! Maybe I made myself believe that fairy tales do come true. I was probably so caught up believing in the "they lived happily ever after" kind of thing --- which sad to say, just do not happen in real life. I might have been so enthralled with such a primitive romance that the tapestry of modern living wouldn't suit me, ever! 

I guess I just have to be content with all my maybes, my hopes, and my dreams that one day my FOREVER will be as real as I'd hope to be. I took a small step sideward and saw him for all that was worth seeing him for. I know that smile will always be there ... I will always see it coming ... but I have to learn what truths to hold on to and what smiles to return. 

I lost track of what FOREVER was when I wanted him so much to be in it. It was like standing on the edge 

--- just waiting for him to tell me to jump with him to a never ending fall --- hand in hand ... together --- 

until almost nothing is left of me except for all that I will leave behind. 

I know i cannot ask him to jump with me for he already started without me ... and even if i jumped, we will not be together in it. 

That never ending pit seemed like the way to FOREVER ...

I stand firmly on its edge now --- patiently waiting for my forever to begin

And I know that when it finally begins, it will never have to end. 

madiesms

april 1998